Thursday, October 31, 2013

Then, I realized.

I can't recall since when I have become dependent on caffeine. I remember I don't like how it tasted like, when there's no sugar involve - until I read an article saying that it could help to increase our metabolism rate. And slowly, I learn to take the bitterness.Then it will slowly taste good. 

Just like how things are .
You might hate it now but when you do it continuously, you will start to enjoy it. It will slowly be a routine, and then a habit that you don't realize you already have.

I was with a book and this cup of cappucino alone in the cafe. After a whole ten minutes of reading, I wanted to take a break because my eyes are tired. So I put my book down and bring this cup of goodness to my lips, taking a sip and look around. After that, I realize that everyone have a companion in the cafe. Some of them are couples , or with their group of friends , some just came after work since they are in their office attire.

Looking around , and suddenly it hits me that I am all by myself.

Don't get me wrong, I am fine being alone . It's just that, that day hit me a little harder than usual that - I am actually feeling lonely. 

Just, very lonely.

I wasn't upset or sad over anything. I wasn't feeling awkward or ashame of myself , being alone. It just a kind of empty feeling in my heart when I realize I couldn't come up with any names whom I want to be with, right now. And , that make me realize how independent I am.

I have friends , but literally feel all alone..

I am not sure whether this is a good thing or so. I do ask people out, and sometimes go all pleading them to have time for me. And slowly, I just get lazy of making effort. Even if they want to hang out, I just feel so lazy. Sometimes, I even want to go home early to just surf the net. 

So I put down the cup of coffee and lick the foam which is stained above my lips , thinking why am I liking to be alone.

Was it for the peace , or the fear of having dramas , or maybe I'm tired of talking to people. It's just not fun to keep on talking or keep finding topic to talk about. I'd like to listen now because I have been talking my whole life through lol.

So that day, I had two cup of coffee which I know that I'll regret later at night. 

I pick up my book and read again , getting lost in the words of John Green . I picture every scene in my mind, feeling myself sink in the world of his writing. 

Then I realized that, I cure my loneliness in the world of his writing ; thinking that I am the character in his book. I can't believe how much I don't enjoy being myself. Sometimes, I just want to disappear like I don't exist - you know? 

I want to be the author of my life. 

But sometimes,
I wish someone could do it for me because maybe, they will do a better job at it.