I can't recall since when I have become dependent on caffeine. I remember I don't like how it tasted like, when there's no sugar involve - until I read an article saying that it could help to increase our metabolism rate. And slowly, I learn to take the bitterness.Then it will slowly taste good.
Just like how things are .You might hate it now but when you do it continuously, you will start to enjoy it. It will slowly be a routine, and then a habit that you don't realize you already have.
I was with a book and this cup of cappucino alone in the cafe. After a whole ten minutes of reading, I wanted to take a break because my eyes are tired. So I put my book down and bring this cup of goodness to my lips, taking a sip and look around. After that, I realize that everyone have a companion in the cafe. Some of them are couples , or with their group of friends , some just came after work since they are in their office attire.
Looking around , and suddenly it hits me that I am all by myself.
Don't get me wrong, I am fine being alone . It's just that, that day hit me a little harder than usual that - I am actually feeling lonely.
Just, very lonely.
I wasn't upset or sad over anything. I wasn't feeling awkward or ashame of myself , being alone. It just a kind of empty feeling in my heart when I realize I couldn't come up with any names whom I want to be with, right now. And , that make me realize how independent I am.
I have friends , but literally feel all alone..
I am not sure whether this is a good thing or so. I do ask people out, and sometimes go all pleading them to have time for me. And slowly, I just get lazy of making effort. Even if they want to hang out, I just feel so lazy. Sometimes, I even want to go home early to just surf the net.
So I put down the cup of coffee and lick the foam which is stained above my lips , thinking why am I liking to be alone.
Was it for the peace , or the fear of having dramas , or maybe I'm tired of talking to people. It's just not fun to keep on talking or keep finding topic to talk about. I'd like to listen now because I have been talking my whole life through lol.
So that day, I had two cup of coffee which I know that I'll regret later at night.
I pick up my book and read again , getting lost in the words of John Green . I picture every scene in my mind, feeling myself sink in the world of his writing.
Then I realized that, I cure my loneliness in the world of his writing ; thinking that I am the character in his book. I can't believe how much I don't enjoy being myself. Sometimes, I just want to disappear like I don't exist - you know?
I want to be the author of my life.
I wish someone could do it for me because maybe, they will do a better job at it.