It has been almost a while I would lie down on my bed and stare into the ceilings of nothing , feeling how heavy my shoulders is and how suffocating it is to just breathe normally. It's really stupid to call it heartbroken because I have been through worse. And I don't think it's eligible to call this pain either, because there are no tears or any desire to throw my pillows all around my room so it wouldn't be anger.
This is the ever first time I feel this way - maybe, another kind of emotion I don't like to came across with.
I hate it when I seemed to look desperate all the time to fight my way through your heart to struggle to be on the top ten of your daily thoughts or events. Which I have been doing all these while and I didn't minded to do it again and again, to want you to think of me. I don't need it a few times a day but just once in a few days.
I guess I wanted to mean something , too much. Too much that I can't believe myself. Too much that you couldn't handle. You wanted to settle less than something I want. I want to settle at something more for this insecurity because you never told me you cared about me, or do anything to make me feel like something that you would cherish. I constantly feel that you're annoyed by your impatient tone , angry at me for talking too much and it hurts.
But it had never hurt me more when you made me sound like I am nothing. I am nothing just like a used paper you would want to throw away because you don't need the notes on it. I am nothing just like the empty cup you have consumed your drink from after you have finish every drop of liquid to quench your thirst. I am just a person you would want to grab to search for your temporary emptiness and loneliness because you're drowned in alcohol , and I made myself sound so important.
Coming across this conversation didn't mean anything in particular. I can't say that I am that open minded that I put myself in a state where I can bare to screw up anything. I can't screw up and I won't. I have screwed up more than enough, more than you know. I am pretty conservative in a way, but not that much that I would want to cover every inch of my body and get my cheeks flushed red when it came across sensitive and sexual topics. I think I am moderate enough for good.
So, I mentioned about it to you just to tease you and hope that you wouldn't do it to anyone else out there. More to that, I don't think I can bare the fact of you telling me you have landed your lips on someone else. I'll want to rip hers off and burn it. I am not denying of the jealousy I am feeling and I don't want to. I was burning in fire, almost wanting to scream in my pillow when I find out / when you tell me.
But then it all disappear.
It all disappear when you told me that 'a kiss is just a kiss.'
I could feel my heart drop to my stomach and my involuntary action of biting my lower lips. I am still having this feeling and it's torturing. I am not supposed to feel this way. You are not mine. You never laid any claim on me, just merely my own personal feelings which probably I just realized that it meant nothing to you. I bet I'm as easy as the other girls you meet in the club. I am just nothing different from them - maybe I do. The difference is, I like you way too much than you think.
' A kiss is just a kiss'
I chuckle after I repeated that six words.
I trusted you ,
but I am just another girl.