Friday, February 28, 2014

Don't leave ;

This is coming , all over again and I don't feel anything which could stop things from happening. I constantly whine more and you find it annoying where you would smile and pull it off in the beginning. You find eating dinner with me tedious , spending more than three hours of looking at my face boring when you could be another person whom you enjoy to be at the other side of the world which you don't intend to let me in. It's more than half a decade that we have known each other , and you still play your cards well that you don't even give any hint to me what is running through your mind while you read me like an open book. 

While I find you getting more charming with you just sitting there looking at your phone without wanting to spare me more details of the one word answer you give me when I ask a simple question , you find me asking too much with things that it's irrelevant for me to know and sometimes you just throw a brick right to my face saying that it's non of my business.

Yes , sure it is non of my business. Who am I to ask anyway? 

It wasn't that complicated when I've yet decided to ask because my intention was always initiate a conversation because I want to talk to you. I miss you , even if you just leave 5 minutes ago. And you get offended , thinking I am being over-possessive when I just want to hear your voice , just to talk to you. You could tell me about how bad your lunch was and how stupid your classmates is doing all the wrong things craving for attention. You could tell me irrelevant things and I could hear them ; I just want to talk to you. 

This have been repeating ever since we had a history and it takes me so much of effort just to get over the heart ache you give without realizing. You walk out on me more than once , and I always stood there to see you leave. I thought being in the same position , hoping that you could at least turn to me would get me something in mutual in the end - but no, everytime it proves my stupidity yet, there is no regrets.  

Sometimes I ask myself as I see you get up to your car and leave without any mercy , like I wasn't nothing that - god, am I that in love with him that I could let him stomp over me over and over again?

I do not ask for a romantic tie , or I am intending for you to pursue me. I don't need you to put me as the first on the list of yours , because I know that I could never be there even if I fight my way through hell. I just need attention all on me for a while before you leave to someone else , being in euphoria in your own state. 

I don't care who you are going to wrap your arms around on later and I don't care if you're going to fall in love with someone else later. Fine, I care - but it doesn't matter right now because I am still nothing ; even after I fight my way through hell and battle with all sorts of emotions I have in me for you. 

I feel so sorry that I don't worth any part of you , not worthy enough for you to invest your time in me. 

I know that you're going to leave me , without you knowing again. And I know you wouldn't make a u-turn to come back to me even if I stand at the same spot waiting for you. 
I get tired. My heart gets tired. My pillows are soaked enough to be replaced by new ones. I get tired of making plans to just hear your voice and to see your face which I couldn't do so after 6 months that you will be gone forever. I get tired of being a second choice , and tired to be annoying.
 You're slowly drifting away and what happened in between us are going to vanish. I wasn't worth your romantic emotions , your time and I bet not even a friendship. But it's okay. It doesn't matter because I am the one throwing everything in despite knowing the ending , naively thinking that this time it will be different - but, it gets worse. 

& all I want is to feel mattered , even if I am not the first. I could give you whatever you want just to have your one hour of looking into my eyes , to make me acknowledge my existence. I could give you all of me just to have you make me feel worthy.

 You are good at that, don't you? You are always good at manipulating my feelings, making me feel like I am the first choice until you meet someone better. You are always good of making me feel like I'm everything and throw me back to the basic of nothing , so why not? 

Why not do it again?

& if I could really sell my feelings for you on ebay , I wouldn't think twice but to give it for free .