Tuesday, May 28, 2013

My screwed up birthday emotions.

Hi, this is the time of the month again . 

No, not my period .

But yeah, my birthday month would be reaching soon and I love how my birthday falls in the middle of the year - June. It makes me realize how much I have been wasting all my time for the past 5 months at the beginning of the year.

Every year, I would be so LOA to do a wishes for birthday post and end it with a xoxo .

And this year, I'm going to do the same and laugh at my childishness next year :)

And you know, I always have dreams . I am not scared to be laughed at but I think my dreams are almost achievable for every girl out there. But for me, it's a little bit harder.

I want to go on a vacation .

Because, I enjoy packing alot. 

I love choosing my outfits from day to day, thinking of my make up and what to post and what to share online. I wish I have a friend who enjoys this as much as I do instead of whining that I take too much time. I've planned to go alone though but I'm afraid of lonesome so, I haven't make up my mind yet.

To improve on my make up skills.

To have a good starbucks coffee with my laptop , watching what I favor.

To go on high tea with my girls/ friends or whoever who loves to do this. 

I want to be able to wear a floral bikini. 

I bet out of ten , eight of you might be able to do this. As for me, it would be hard and even if I'm working hard on it - I still have a long way to go.

I know how many insults you haters are going to throw and shove it in my face. But at this point, I accept them all because it is the truth. I don't deny truths even if I get offended in some way. 

But this is one of MY dream. 

I mean, every FAT girl have this bikini dream - don't they?

I want to be able to wear miniskirt.

My problem is always at my legs and no matter how hard I try, my legs just wouldn't go down. Sometimes I really wish I could cut them all off . I got so depressed when I starve and work myself out until, I feel so helpless. Either way, I really wish to wear a miniskirt someday.

I want to be able to wear a  bralet and tanktop.

I love looking at girls wearing corset tops with shorts or bralet based dress. I really love how their long wavy hair fall down on their shoulders, looking so beautifully every step they take in their high heels. This would be one of my fashion dream .

A back tattoo.

I always wanted a wrist tattoo .

I am sure I mentioned this alot of times to my friends. I just need them to remind me no matter how bad things get, it would get better. Nothing last forever. I just don't want negativity to creep into me. 

I want to have a better fashion sense.

I want to be better in this even if I'm in casual. But I'm pretty sure, fashion requires alot of money. Just look at me now, I can spend 2k on a givenchy shirt I fancy without thinking. I'm always broke.

Having shisha ready 24/7.

A good camera and a nice photoshoot.

And honestly, that would be just a dream and it's up to me whether I want to achieve it a not. 

So, the serious question comes.

I have at least 2 people asking me what I want to do during my birthday. Yeah, just 2. I'm sorry but I'm quite a anti-social person & I don't just get close to anyone and let them in. So yeah, I think two is better than none lol.

I want to party until I get wasted.

Oh right, that would be later.


I just want to have a dinner with my friends. 

With all my girls .

In nice outfits.

With champagne!

Alot of champagne! 

Moet is loveee!

With a really nice night view! 

And, I wish my finals actually didn't fall on my birthday. It makes me so sad ):

Upon all these,

I want to change - to a better person.

To become a more beautiful person where it is going to impressed them who broke my heart, my dignity and hurt my feelings.

I want to become so beautiful that they would not look at me as an ordinary ugly fat bitch that only speaks. 

I want to change so much that I want them to look at me and gasped , realizing how much of their words sting and how much it have affected me.

I want to make them feel sorry for not being able to accept me because of my weight and size. 

I want them to see how much pain they have caused me to change who am I become right now. 

I want to become better , for myself. 

I want to find somebody who see all my flaws, look upon my imperfections and still stay. I want him to accept my boldness and my attitude of not being able to be as cute as the other girls with him. I want somebody to know what I am thinking and love me as much as I love them. I need somebody to know how vulnerable and fragile I get. 

I need somebody who actually care , about me.

Just me. 

And upon all the dreams and wishes I made for my birthday or who I want to be...

I just want to be happy.