It have been a long time since I have ever want to type a post regarding to my own thoughts and feelings compared to what I have done, what I have eaten and what I have wore.
I am not sure since when I hated to talk about my own thoughts here, in my blog where this is the only place where I can completely let myself speak out what I have been thinking in mind . & honestly in reality, I do the same.
I have often say that, I am not that kind of person that you would like to deal with.
I am still going to tell you the same thing until now.
I go all speechless when people tell me things like, " You are different from what I have expected from you."
I am not a girly girl - never was and never am. I don't wear light pink , lace or white all the time and infact, I look so disgusting in them that I couldn't even bare to look at myself in the mirror even if it's just a second. I am not that kind of girl who will act all stupid , to just build somebody's confidence up. I am not going to pretend things you do amaze me when I can do the same. I am not going to whine that whatever I am carrying is heavy , even if it's breaking my hands. I am not going to go all cute and want you to do something for you.
I can't just let myself act stupid my whole life just to please someone. I want to be a person where I can help someone instead of just another dumb bitch who is just going to say comforting words. I'd rather go through all the hardships with him without talking than telling him, he can do it when he is helpless.
Instead of acting cute and making him smile due to my stupid retarded bimbo act , I want to listen. I want to listen to the hardship someone is having in the day. I don't want to give any opinion but to just listen. I don't know how to comfort and say correct things to make anyone feel better but I'll always be there. I won't leave. I won't judge . I won't complain.
I don't like to bother people because I am so used to be alone, handling every thing. A girl who is carrying 3 textbook would just let out a sigh and so many people will rush to help her out. And if the same situation happens to me , they tell me I should carry more of them and burn some fats . fml. Some girls could talk about a total dumb topic and get all the attention they want because everyone is staring at how weak, how poor thing they look. And when I say it more than thrice , all I get is annoyed face that hoping that I would stfu soon enough.
There are two kind of girls in this world.
this kind of girl is those kind who people will fight for them, protect them and wipe their tears away when they are sad. They are weak. They make people want to protect them , to love them and give them everything. They would be held like a glass in the hands because they are so fragile - being able to break apart everytime.
this kind of girl would either have a choice to shut up and swallow down every inch of pain they feel or fight back to protect themselves while the others will expect her to be alright. They assumed her to be able to carry everything on their shoulders and be independent. So, people just let loose not realizing how little things hurt their feelings.
Unfortunately, I fall at the second category.
& to the girls who falls at the same category at me.....People in this world live by looks , especially boys. It's completely bullshit when they say personality is more important than looks. Just give them Meagan Fox with utter shit attitude , they will still want her - trust me.
Please don't hate yourself for this.
& even if it hurts and how unfair you feel, life goes on and nobody will ever notice.
This is the time where you know, YOU are the only one who can be there for you.
It makes me feel so sad talking about this.
& all I can do is to wake up and realizing this again.