Friday, April 25, 2014

So that I forget about you.

I do this over and over until I fall asleep, because it keeps my mind from wandering. When I wake up, my mind automatically goes to you, not because I want it to, but because I can’t help it.

Sometimes, all it takes is a good drive with the windows down to make the pain disappear. Sometimes it takes a cross-country road trip. Sometimes even that doesn’t help. 
Sometimes I feel like I could drive from here till the other end and back three times and I’d still feel crippled by the pain that comes when I think of you.

I always say yes whenever anyone asks me to hang out, because maybe it’ll be a good distraction, and maybe it’ll help me to forget.  

I usually end up at the cafĂ©, and I spend money I don’t have on what’s usually my third cup of coffee of the day — that’s another I thing I do instead of think of you — and I sit by the window, sometimes with friends, sometimes alone. 

I drink too much coffee and I eat too much. Food is my drug of choice; when I’m eating, I concentrate on the flavor of the food and nothing else. I drink cup after cup of coffee, thankful for the many different places scattered throughout the town where I can get ahold of coffee at almost any hour of the day.I drink too much coffee because when I’m drinking it, I don’t think of you.

I also spend a lot of time contemplating the idea of love and what it really means, and sometimes, I get confused and convince myself that it doesn't exist, kind of like when you say a word over and over again until it loses all meaning. I think that’s what happened. You said it over and over again until it lost all its meaning. But I don’t think about that, I think of the concept because the concept effects the entire population of the world, not just you and me. 

I do little things every day to keep myself from thinking of you; I go out of my way to avoid spots where we spent time together and I often waste time to ensure our paths won’t cross.

These are not things I necessarily like to do, 
but they are the things I have to do in order to forget about you.