Monday, March 4, 2013


I don't know how to exactly twist a big round to have a beautiful introduction because I don't have energy to beautify anything right here because I feel ugly from head to toe , defeated.

I am so sick of being confronted, being pointed out things that they don't like about me which assumed that it's my mistake. But when you first know me, I didn't fake - I am always like this. I curse, yell, scream and talk a hell lot and you guys laughed, loved me for it then why now, go against my back for doing so? Why do you people first love me and take me in for my flaws and then throw me out because of them again? 

What have I actually done so bad?

My life is always like this . I'm like a supermart, people just come in as they like and leave as they go. I am so sick of it, that's why I chose to enclose myself . I don't like to be close to anyone. I don't want to depend on them because I fear to feel the feeling of losing someone again. And when I chose to let them in my life, let them see my every weakness , every scratch, every pain that still kill me - they just chose to leave. They just chose to leave, making me feel the lonesome all over again. 

& what's the point of patching things up when the outcome is the same?

What's the point of the whole conversation when things never change. Things will never be like how it used to be and I hate it. 
I hate the gap, the awkwardness and the tears I have to swallow in when I'm treated like I'm invisible. I hate how I can't joined in the laughter and I can't be the next person to see what you show to everyone else. I hate how I don't even matter to you. I hate how my existence were so inferior, until that it's almost invisible. I hate how much effort I've tried to patch things up and see my effort breaks right in my face. I hate how unworthy it makes me feel when I used to feel a sense of belonging somewhere. I used to feel wanted, the warmth and the love of being cared - but now, all I get was a cold shoulder.

Just because I didn't say anything doesn't mean I'm not hurt. Just because I didn't voice out my opinion doesn't mean I don't have any. And just because you listen to someone else's story about me doesn't mean it's true.
Why am I being judge that way? I didn't do anything like that - to them, to you or anyone else. 

How can you all just listen to people's stories about me? I thought friends are suppose to trust each other no matter what. I thought you could already see me as whole and why is other people influencing you.

It hurts, it fucking hurts a whole lot that I couldn't even explain how pain it is. It hurts so much that I don't want to defend myself and chose to ignore. It hurts even more realizing that nobody knows how I feel. It hurts much worse that I don't even deserve the truth. 

And yet,
you people literally say out loud that it hurts you all that when I say I am forever alone.

How can I not feel that way when I'm being treated like this? How can I not feel lonely? How can I use to not feel lonely when nobody else bothers to read me? 

I don't know how to explain how pain it feels like when the person matters to you so much turns their back against you. And it hurts even more that you realized a person who grew up with you agrees and shove it to your face, adding the salt to your wound.

It's 3 fucking am and I'm typing this piece of shit which is just a trash of emotions of my own which would be a joke to anyone else who wants me to feel this way. And congratulations because you have succeeded.  I have feel like I lose it all.

I've lost.


the worst part is ,
I have to wake up tomorrow morning like it didn't hurt me at all.