There is some nights where things fall out of place and get messy. I didn't meant it by the way I place my cosmetics on the cupboard , and I didn't meant the way my clothes are stacked in piles forming a mountain. I'm saying in the terms of emotions and feelings. I swear they are definitely harder to arrange compared to the solid things we could hold in our hand. The only way out is to talk about it. However, it's definitely not easy to put your emotions into words. Maybe, I'm just not that good in comprehending them into words to truly speak what I am feeling inside me. That's why I'd rather lie on the bed in the darkness while scrolling through 9gag hoping that these feelings would go away after a while. As I scroll through the screen of my iphone, I slowly feel my heart gets heavier and finally admit that they are slowly eating me up as whole. It's suffocating me but not enough to choke me in tears.
You think that I'm talking about me feeling hurt , or you think that I am just having moodswings before the time of the month. But I don't think so. And it kills that I couldn't put them into words. I am not being insecure , but feeling 'not good enough'. Drawing a distance between them, I think how I feel right now drops on the gap between them. And I wish I could wet my pillows and get tired then finally go to sleep. But no. It feels like everything is used up and I have no where to release these frustrations that is slowly making me angry at myself.
I always ask, Why do I always torture myself.
And sometimes, I wonder if I don't want to be helped and decided to let myself drowned into this sea of emotions that I always cannot comprehend in words. I don't even know why am I feeling like this , and all I could say is - I am feeling so sad. When it's not enough to describe it.
I won't even count a number of hours , but it feels like a lifetime already.