I am not that good with words to make you picture how I'd actually felt and understand it. But I haven't been typing like this for a quite sometime - in fact, in a long long time.
There is always someone whom you never give up on or intend to leave, even they had hurt your feelings , walk away or tear you apart. There is always this someone in your life , that you cannot let go. Despite getting hurt over and over again until the point that you are used to it , you just can't let them go.
I can't say that heart break is THAT bad , because there are many things out there which I haven't felt are worse than this. But, it's definitely not something I am fancy of. I still think it's an emotional torture and it's painful enough ; like you just bent down because your whole body is shaking when the tears just flow out of your eyes, blurring your vision until you can't breathe that you have to gasp for air. That moment, you just feel the whole world fails you and you feel extra , just another nothing on earth. It's just hurtful to be walk away or stumbled upon by someone you care and develop so much feelings for. Just like everything you had done or willing to give in , is nothing ; just like a trash. And it makes you feel like a trash . Unwanted , being despite and feeling disgusted.
Even when that person made you feel like this, you just don't let them go. I'm not sure if it was the pain which change your whole life making you hold onto them or it's just that you love them so much , even accepting the fact that they will never want you and still want them. I know that it seemed pretty stupid to you , but you can't judge. You can't judge whether the person who hurt them are mean , or the person who gets hurt all the time is stupid. You think that there should be a full stop to this pain and misery. But, it's not that easy.
I just don't give up on people that easily , and I do hold on with every strands of hope I could find. I don't know whether it's butterflies I am feeling all over again , on top of the disappointment coated all over the walls in me. I am not sure if I have already let it all go ; let all the pain memories go.
I can't say that I feel butterflies, but someone makes me happy - even just by the simplest thing , even if we just sit there and talk about nothing. Silence was a bliss , it was worth every second. Even if I am not a priority to his life , I think I will still be there because he had already took a place in my heart despite how much he have stomp on it without any mercy. I forgive and probably already forget how sad I was , because I am happy now - happy for a new start , happy that things are simple enough.
He is not mine ,probably he will never be mine in the most romantic way you could picture. We are not together , but just friends. Even if he give me the ache I would never want to feel in my life , he will still have me in every way.
He will always be my sweetest whatever.