Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Welcome to my life.

What I can say is ,
 I am just tired of crying to sleep every single night.

I sleep at 3 in the morning almost everyday now and wake up early for college. I literally feel half a live in college. I feel so tired and easily annoyed. I feel so tired that I barely even speak in class. I feel really dead , in college and nothing goes into my head. I just want my mind to go blank , I don't want to think of things that I shouldn't be thinking of anymore. 

I love my family, alot. 
But, I don't get why they just have to make me feel like I am the worst person on earth. I always have thought that family are the only ones that wouldn't give up on you no matter what. I feel so pressure everytime I come home. I do not know what to do to reach up the expectations set by my grandparents. I hate how they compare me with my siblings. My dad is always not at home, I barely see him though. Ever since my family is broken , everything changed. Yes, everything. 
I just miss how things was back then. I miss my younger siblings , I miss Chloe. I miss how I have to pat her back to sleep every single night and answer all her naive questions. I miss how my brother disturb me when I am doing my work. I miss how my parents used to think what to do during the weekends. I just miss the warmth, harmony and love we used to have. 
I hate the fact that I am being compared , not good enough. I know that I did very badly in my spm results and I was very disappointed in myself too. You guys just don't know how much it hurts me every time you bring up this. I just feel so useless and hopeless. You all always make me feel like I am the last person you want to see in the house and that's why , I am always upstairs. You make me feel like I am the worst grand daughter you ever had. I just don't know how to make you guys happy like how my sisters do. Everything I do seems to be pointless, useless and unimportant. Why can't you guys just give me some love and attention, for once. You just don't know how bad it feels like when everything goes against at the same time. 
It doesn't even feels like family anymore, it just feels like an empty house.

I just hate the fact that every time I see you , the feeling come all over me again. I couldn't even look at you for a second , I am afraid that I just might go back running after you. I don't understand how you can so cruel sometimes. I don't get how hurting me, breaking me apart would make me get over everything that had happened between us. I don't get it why you don't understand. Why wouldn't you just be there , for once? Do you know how pain it feels everytime looking at you from far? It's never fair from the start. I am always the one looking at you. You can't even see me when I am just right infront of you. Even when you hurt me so bad, I still helplessly forgive you although you never feel sorry for me. I always thought that I mattered to you and I at least, stand a place in your heart. 
Every night that scene just appear . I can never forget how you walk away from me, leaving me there. And, it just makes me break down every time.
That shows how much you do not want me and that shows how much you don't care. It's so hard to accept the fact that no matter how much effort I put in , things are only going to become worse.
I just hate that until now, I still can put on an act infront of you like it doesn't matter when it kills every part of me inside.
Honestly, I really feel like dying.

The most unexpected one is you. I trusted you so bad and you turn your back against me. What happened to those time when you wipe my tears away? What happened to those time when you tell me everything is going to alright? What happened?  I really rely on you alot and I miss you every single day since the day you went away. I didn't mean to break you that bad , I just don't want to lie to you. I know how it feels like , being lie to and cheated on. It's my fault anyway. 
You're the only one that could bring me back to where I was. And, only you have the ability to build me up.It's so hurtful when I look at the way you talk to me. Everything have changed between us.

That's how bad reality is.

You people just don't know bad it feels like , being strong is the only choice you can have to make you go through every single day.