Saturday, July 5, 2014

In my black lace dress.

My friends especially the guys , always love to show me pictures of the girls they see online and ask " Is she pretty?

I have seen so many of them that I really stare at the pictures and give them a truthful comment. Basically, I'm checking the girls out. Don't ask why. It's something I naturally do nowadays. The longer I stare at their pictures, the more the realization hits me that I'm nothing like them. 

Just like a girl, I do crave for that kind of attention from boys.

 That kind of attention that the boys wants to lend me jacket when I'm cold. That kind of attention that they will grab my arm without thinking twice when I cross the road. That kind of attention that they will stare at my picture for more than 5 seconds saying 'wow'. That kind of attention that they will not be too bold because they realize I have feelings. That kind of attention that they will realize that I've never wore this pair of scandals before. 

I hope I don't sound too bad, and I certainly hope that you feel the same. 

I am one of the guys, and to be honest, it's not as nice as you think. I don't really like to be put in a zone , in fact I hated it. When they throw me in the friend zone, family zone or whatever zone they determine for me , they just stop remembering that I don't have a dick. Even if I let out my inner guy all the time, I still demand to feel appreciated. I do wear dresses and put on lipsticks , but I never really feel girly enough. I am a total man inside out, I could say and I don't hate that. 

Sometimes I think if I should change how am I like. 

Maybe I should be a little more girly. Maybe I should be cute , and not honest all the time. Maybe I should just agree to what they say to build up their confidence and not to be bold. Maybe I shouldn't voice out my opinion as much. And maybe, I shouldn't have spend so much time with my guy friends so they will start to appreciate my presence when we meet. Or maybe, I should dress even more girly. 

But if I change, I'm not myself anymore. 

So I start to accept the fact that I couldn't be those girl they see in instagram or facebook. I couldn't put on a white lace dress looking decent. I couldn't pull off pastel colour clothings without looking less evil. I couldn't put on nude lipsticks to look simple. I can't put myself to go squeaky all the time or even bring myself to tell lies to make someone feel better about themselves when I clearly know that the decision made is not a wise voice. I just couldn't be the dream girl, and in fact I do not have any qualities in that.

I couldn't say that I am happy, but I am glad that I could accept myself and not having the thought of wanting to change for someone.

I don't have the qualities the boys find in a girl. I don't have that kind of vibe that they wish to make me feel like one. I don't want to lie to build them up. I don't want to put on what is not suitable for me and what I don't like. I don't want not to be myself. So I put on a red or black lace dress , dark based clothing and red lipstick. 

So I usually look at the pictures and then look up to them , swallowing with a little bitterness down the throat and tell them - " Yeah, she's really pretty."