Thursday, June 19, 2014

Insecurities of a fatty.

Three hours ago, I went through my documents junk and decided to rearrange my pictures. By clicking next after every picture , my smile slowly turns into a frown . Slowly, I could feel my heart ache and all the feelings comes back.

Two years I've been living this life, my insecurities never decrease and infact it's increasing. And the whole two years probably out of 12 months - I only have half a month of being free , eating whatever I want without caring about calories and then instantly regretting it the next morning. I hate talking about my insecurities and I don't want people to know about my insecurities so I usually laugh it off when people still addressed me with the nicknames I wouldn't be delighted of. It may not hurt as much since I get used to it but it still mattered. 

I don't like it. 

No, infact I hate it. 

may be just a description towards someone's physical appearance but to me, it's something worse than a curse word. I hated that description and I would do anything to take myself away from that description. Therefore , I started to work out and every time I dragged myself to the gym - I feel like crying , thinking that 'why should I be here when I could just rest at home after a tired day?

Everyone is having the time of their life, catching up with their friends, drinking the wine they love and eating the dessert they desire and yet, I'm stuck in that place trying to burn every single calorie I consumed today, yesterday and the day before. And I keep blaming myself , hating myself for overeating last time and now putting myself in this situation. Until now, I still feel horrible before I go to sleep when I recall what I've eaten on that day itself. This cycle keeps repeating.

It's getting worse. And I am sad.

 I am so sad everytime I stand on a weighing machine and it shows an increase in figure. I don't know what to do. I exercised , I don't eat and I blame myself but the weight isn't going down. I feel so insecure and ugly. I feel so horrible that I don't even dress up anymore, because I feel ugly. And no matter how nice the clothes is on someone's ugly, that person still look ugly anyway. 

I feel ugly.

I feel fat and sad.

I feel like crying when I know that I need to go to the gym tomorrow and let the process flow through all over again. It's so difficult. I am so sick of this and I don't know why am I even doing this. I am not even sure if I want to be healthy or I am doing this to live up to what society expects from a girl - pretty, slim and smart. I am not trying to fit in, but I am so sick of people calling me names and tell me that I need to lose weight to look pretty.

Everyone keeps saying and I could hear screamings in my mind asking them to shut up even if what they say make sense , probably it's the truth.

I am slowly gaining my weight back, and I don't know what to do. 

I am scared.

I just don't want to be her again .