The weather might be cold enough to make me shiver , but not as much as how cold my heart feels. It was just four seats away from the one who make me shattered back two years ago. The countless nights of listening to him talk, the countless hope I've received over years of my living life feeling insecure of my weight and my body , and also to the countless heartbreaks and disappointment which suffocates me.
It was just four seats away , and it draws such a huge distance inbetween. I'm not sure if it's my shattered heart or the one whom didn't bother of the broken soul in me. Looking at beautiful sky showing hints of pink and light blue, feeling the cold breeze kiss my skin made me realize that I had enough of shivering in this cold - in this pain, alone . The hopes where I hold on to for the past two years , never existed and was created to make an illusion that if I'd work hard to become a person he prefer , his heart will beat in sync with mine. Yet , after two long years - I find out that this never existed , it was all lies. Something that I held onto , working so hard for - never existed.
It was all lies, false scene which made me fell into the trap of fairytale world.
I know the fact that he didn't love me once - of course , no one would fell for a girl whom have tons of flabs hanging around their body marking the figure on the weighing machine saying that she is close to obese state. It wasn't hard to make me acknowledge the fact that he never love me , the hard part is to accept it. To accept that I was a somebody , to accept that I might be appreciated after all the work is done.
In the end, I lost it all.
I didn't only lose my heart to someone whom actually never did care. I didn't only lose my self-respect to the people whom make fun of me for putting such a show. I didn't only lose 23kilograms. I didn't only lose my time crying.
And, it all didn't hurt until I realized that - I lose myself for the love which I thought it existed.
Four seats away had never been so far. I didn't speak , or look at the reason of the pain I think about for almost 2 years. I didn't want to cry for this pain which I actually brought myself into. I didn't want to make a fuss so I bit my bottom lip from time to time , thinking why wouldn't he save me when I'm drowning. It was just four seats away - and he could just call my name , but instead he kill me in this cold weather drowning me into the sea of thoughts.
I know that it's coming but it still hurts as bad as it should be. I'm sorry that giving in so many things wouldn't make me look better in his eyes. I'm sorry that I am not good or pretty enough to his expectation. I'm so sorry that I couldn't alter anymore of myself for him. And I did spend sleepless night , thinking of how we would be after the figure showing on the weighing machine gone down.
I could change myself and give in for anything in the world , for someone whom I love to love me back. I could give in the world , at the point of losing my reason to love. I could do much more things than somebody could imagine.
But ,
when a person doesn't love you means they won't love you no matter how good you are.
Maybe I'll stop thinking about you , about us and get some sleep tonight. It has been so long that I have a good sleep.
& when I wake up, I'll let everything go.
written on Dec 12 , 2012