Honestly, I am not the kind of person with very heavy emotions for now. I know that this blog used to be the place where I rant, bitch or complain about how terrible my day / how much I hated this person or how sad am I not getting my effort towards someone I show affectionate to in return.
And after disappointments & disappointments ,
I grew up.
I learn that not sometimes some feelings and secrets should be kept among ourselves , & not to even tell your closest friends. Everyone have their problems and so, I don't think it's fair to throw a burden on their shoulders when they already have their own to carry. So I don't really want to cry, throw my emotions of how unfair I feel the way I think life is treating me to my blog and my friends. And honestly, compare to the people out there - I am actually grateful about how my life is , despite I have been spending my nights on my work and videos instead of texting and talking on the phone with a dude.
And, I am actually sick of saying that nobody will want me and I'm too ugly. What's the whole point of telling others that? Honestly, I do expect answers which will calm me down and make me feel better. But really - how long do you wanna leave in your stupid unicorn fairtytale prince charming love story? lol.
Despite out of the shell I have been leaving in , I do have the soft part in my heart which people tend to discover from time to time. I actually hate it when people opened up my wound and remind me that it still hurts and they would actually stay until I heal. And I hate them for doing that. I prefer distance when it comes to privacy - and I believe everyone needs their personal space. I don't mix around , it's hard to get along with me because I'm one of the most annoying bitch you would've met. I am fickle-minded, demanding and I throw my emotions out by writing it on my face.
I haven't been feeling of so much of emotions that even leads me to tears lately. I live like a robot, always being ignorant to people around me because I don't want to get involve with things that actually screwed my things up.
As far as I know, feelings DOES ruin people.
And,
it's sick that I'm all crack up with tears by knowing that I might not have somebody to lean back on.
I hate to see people leave but I still go and send them away anyway - and go home with my heavy heart, crying to sleep. I hate how memories just hit all over again, seeing them walking away with their luggage in their hands. It triggers the sadness seeing them off, waving to me as if they are not coming back. It's like, they are going to be so far away and things might just be over - changed or whatever it should be. It hurts me to think that there will be better people out there for them , other than me.
& you guys don't know how many times I've hurt , scolded and throw my temper on him and yet, he still stays by my side not saying a word. I never a guy friend as close as him around me and it sucked that now, I couldn't just give him a phone call to head somewhere with me.
& this hot woman here is literally a person who grow up with me ever since I've stepped into high school . The numerous incident and rebelling things we have done together was just insane. Trust me that, you will never want to know how bad we are - Go, little bad girl .
& it kills me to see two of them walking out of my life on the same day.
All the best , study hard and live like there's no tomorrow 6 hours away from me.
Come home soon.
I'll always be home for you guys.
x