Saturday, May 9, 2015

I fear oblivion.

Recently, I'm all tied up with my finals which is ongoing right now. I have another two more papers to deal with , and I am all done with year 2. I can feel my shoulders getting lighter but my heart getting heavier. Definitely, I am relieved with exams coming to an end. 
But something in me is suffocating more than my finals which I can't comprehend. It's very torturing to have insomnia and wake up with a heavy heart, often.

 I guess this chapter of my life is going to come to an end soon. And I never like endings. Even if it ends for good, we still have to go through the empty roads being alone - which is moving on. I still haven't learn the beauty of looking forward to the future, because I always believe in appreciating the current moment. 

Perhaps I fear oblivion more than the future. It's heartbreaking when you realized that once you move into another stage of life, some things will change and some people will not be in your life anymore. This is a part of growing up. And growing up is always growing apart. It's getting more difficult to keep things together when everyone has a different vision of life. 
However, I am too selfish to stay here forever. I want to leave and see the world. I want to get a bigger vision. I want to travel and try different things. I don't want to waste my youth in a circle I drew over myself so that I don't get hurt. I want to see life and meet more people. I want to understand. I want to grow. I want to be something more. I don't aim to be an inspiration or example. I just want people to know that I didn't waste my youth. I have live my life to the fullest. I want no regrets. And I want everyday of mine to be nostalgic rather than just pure experience. 

And I guess, sometimes we have to give up on something to just get another in return. The world isn't perfect, and life isn't fair. 

I fear oblivion. But compare to that, I fear more that I couldn't find a place called 'home'. Not just a roof to cover over me. Not just a shelter to protect me from the storms. But a place where I can keep my heart and my guards down, knowing that this is somewhere or someone I can always go to without any hesitation.