Friday, August 2, 2019

Come Clean.



It's already August, marking the 6th month when I last sign in here. I wonder if anyone still read my page. If yes, do they come here just looking for updates of my life because we used to be friends or they are here to dig out my pasts to use it against me. 

About negativity - I have a lot of that when I am away from this comfort zone. In case you think I sit at home doing nothing, I actually go to work and even pick up interests as part time work for more allowance. 
See.
Why am I explaining myself again to people whom maybe doesn't even care about me? 

Or maybe I just want to share , you know , like my feelings. At the age of twenty-five , I made up my mind that some things are meant to be bottled up because the truth is, even your closest friend may listen but doesn't really care about you. 

Harsh. But yes.

That is how negative I was hence, I isolated from a lot of people and even decided to stop keeping in touch with some. To be honest, I never regretting cutting anyone off because I don't need anymore toxic people at this age. Like I said before, I refuse to do anything out of my capability just to impress people I don't give a shit about , and vice versa. 

I was in the battlefield with myself. I refuse to find any solution or cure to this. But recently, I have come clean to myself and I instantly feel better.

As much as I don't want to admit, but at one point, I was jealous, envy or any word that can comprehend me into a green eyed monster. I felt that life is so unfair. 
Why do I have to only work so hard and only get that amount of recognition and money? Why can't I just easily pop up an idea and instantly making me being able to afford myself and bringing my grandparents to eat what they like without worrying about my purse, afraid that I might to tighten my belt at the end of the month? 

It feels damn shitty to have my family to be worried about me when I'm 25. I am already 25 and I feel that I am no where near that I want to be or good enough. I don't feel good of myself. I'm tired of myself. 

But my personality is so strong that I refuse to give in. I am not accepting fate. I am not gonna dwell in this sad hole and cry or whine. I am JUST 25, right. I still have time. I need a solution. If I don't earn more, I should at least made myself feel better.

 So I keep thinking.. thinking and thinking. 

And,

 I finally find peace at myself.

I pick up a part-time work by doing balloons , mini events and now it goes to customizing ( instagram: balloonnnco) . I stop going on social media as much, and skipping instastories. I read more on positive things on social media instead. I cut out toxic people. I tell my family how I felt. And well, I did do more shopping for no reason haha. 
Lastly.
I finally admit to myself that, I am just jealous. I finally have the bravery to my own feelings. The reason why I am having the internal battle with myself is, I always refuse to admit how I feel because I am stubborn like that. 

If you feel like me, don't be. You may not feel better today or tomorrow or even the next week after. But eventually, once you find out a solution, you will feel better than ever. Nothing taste as good as success. But to me, nothing feels as great as self-improvement. 


here is a smile that I owe you ;






have a great weekend.