Come Clean.

It's already August, marking the 6th month when I last sign in here. I wonder if anyone still read my page. If yes, do they come here just looking for updates of my life because we used to be friends or they are here to dig out my pasts to use it against me. 

About negativity - I have a lot of that when I am away from this comfort zone. In case you think I sit at home doing nothing, I actually go to work and even pick up interests as part time work for more allowance. 

See.

Why am I explaining myself again to people whom maybe doesn't even care about me? 

Or maybe I just want to share , you know , like my feelings. At the age of twenty-five , I made up my mind that some things are meant to be bottled up because the truth is, even your closest friend may listen but doesn't really care about you. 

Harsh. But yes.

That is how negative I was hence, I isolated from a lot of people and even decided to stop keeping in touch with some. To be honest, I never regretting cutting anyone off because I don't need anymore toxic people at this age. Like I said before, I refuse to do anything out of my capability just to impress people I don't give a shit about , and vice versa. 

I was in the battlefield with myself. I refuse to find any solution or cure to this. But recently, I have come clean to myself and I instantly feel better.

As much as I don't want to admit, but at one point, I was jealous, envy or any word that can comprehend me into a green eyed monster. I felt that life is so unfair. 

Why do I have to only work so hard and only get that amount of recognition and money? Why can't I just easily pop up an idea and instantly making me being able to afford myself and bringing my grandparents to eat what they like without worrying about my purse, afraid that I might to tighten my belt at the end of the month? 

It feels damn shitty to have my family to be worried about me when I'm 25. I am already 25 and I feel that I am no where near that I want to be or good enough. I don't feel good of myself. I'm tired of myself. 

But my personality is so strong that I refuse to give in. I am not accepting fate. I am not gonna dwell in this sad hole and cry or whine. I am JUST 25, right. I still have time. I need a solution. If I don't earn more, I should at least made myself feel better.

 So I keep thinking.. thinking and thinking. 

And,

 I finally find peace at myself.

I pick up a part-time work by doing balloons , mini events and now it goes to customizing ( instagram: balloonnnco) . I stop going on social media as much, and skipping instastories. I read more on positive things on social media instead. I cut out toxic people. I tell my family how I felt. And well, I did do more shopping for no reason haha. 

Lastly.

I finally admit to myself that, I am just jealous. I finally have the bravery to my own feelings. The reason why I am having the internal battle with myself is, I always refuse to admit how I feel because I am stubborn like that. 

If you feel like me, don't be. You may not feel better today or tomorrow or even the next week after. But eventually, once you find out a solution, you will feel better than ever. Nothing taste as good as success. But to me, nothing feels as great as self-improvement. 

here is a smile that I owe you ;

have a great weekend. 

While you are young .

I keep seeing articles and quotes about 'it's okay to not get your shit together in your twenties' on my news feed on facebook.

I am pretty done with those articles. I did read about articles with the similar content back then and realize that it did not make me feel better. Now I don't even bother. 

Yes, it is okay to not have your shit together at this age.

BUT, 

It is NOT okay to not work hard and try to get your shit together.

There are bad days, but it doesn't mean that anyone should stop working hard. Everyone deserves to let loose sometimes but it doesn't mean that we should only start dragging till we are 30s to change our lives. If you are unhappy with your life, work harder. If you are so done struggling, give yourself a short break instead of lying to yourself that it is normal to feel like a failure because, you are NOT a failure.

You CANNOT stop hustling and working on your goals just because you are tired. You may take a break but definitely not linger on that comfort zone for too long. 

Whenever I let my guards down and confess about how stressful I feel , it doesn't mean that I am giving up on what I want to do. I also didn't expect you to console me and tell me that ' it is okay to feel like a failure and have no achievement at this age' . Because I refuse to succumb to this. I want to work hard now and enjoy it later. 

So don't. 

Please don't let that kind of thoughts affect you, and make slow down your process. 

Everyone must have their own talent and something to offer. While feeling lost , go out and search. Find out what you are good at when you are young, find out what do you like - then go for it.

Because you are good , for someone , for something and also, deserve what you want. 

Banyan Tree Spa in Pavilion Hotel

It has been a while since I went for spa. The last time it was a surprise from my boyfriend for Valentine's so I'm pretty excited to head over to Banyan Tree Spa which is located in Pavilion Hotel for a good massage. 

I am not a fan of full range spa packages - I usually go for body scrub and 1 1/2 hour of full body massage. I know that steam bath or Jacuzzi filled with flower petals are nice but I have no patience to be alone. I usually go for longer massages. 

I've been to Banyan Tree Spa back in Bangkok the last time I was there and it was one of the best experience ever ; from the services to the skill of masseur and music - it was all perfect. 

I went for the full body massage because this is what I need over the weekend.

There are three types of massage as you can see - Balinese, Deep Tissue and Gentle Touch. To be safe, I go for Balinese. Gentle Touch is not for me , and Deep Tissue is gonna give me blue black as I'm pretty sensitive. 

In Banyan Tree Spa which is located in Pavilion Hotel, it is not completely open yet hence not all services are available. If you ever plan to visit, it is better for you to ring them up and inquire to avoid disappointments. 

I'm awkward because my masseur was pretty enthusiastic to help me with pictures - not the best picture I have but I need to let you know that their bathrobe is really comfortable. 

There are two types aromatic oil for me to choose which is Peace and Love.

Peace comes with a little blend of ginger with floral scent whereas Love comes with Rose and Lavender Scent with some herbs ; I chose Love. I always do. 

My Spa starting with simple feet scrub with black salt. 

Is it just me or do you guys feel awkward when someone is in this position in front of you? 

I don't really like it when they sit-kneeling in front of me while helping me. I actually would like it when they grab a stool or something while doing it so that their knees don't hurt. 

I actually tell her to sit comfortably but she is a professional masseur so she told me that it will be alright - so I was hoping the scrub ends faster because I was feeling awkward alone.

The whole 90 minutes was great , I was half asleep. I insist to keep myself awake so that I could feel every touch. One thing that is lacking is they forgot to play soothing music. If they did , the whole package will be even better.

Refreshment is served right after the massage. 

They serve ginger tea which I love with honeydew and greek yogurt.

I enjoyed them alone in the room for a great 20 minutes before changing. I like how they give me my alone time after massage. 

Banyan Tree Spa is always great with their spa , and I'm really happy that they have it here now. It's just a drive away to pamper yourself. 

Now, I'm thinking when should I spoil myself again?

You can read my post about EBISU x Whiskey Cove by clicking HERE.