I have a love-hate relationship with facebook memories. I love it when they remind me of my bad times , making me love my current life ; and I hate it when they show me better days back then.
This month , my facebook memories have been showing me the 'good life' back then which makes me question myself - if my life is really bad right now.
I don't think my life is bad. I just lose the freedom and time I had. I took the days where I was alone without commitments for granted.
What hits me right there is where - I lose to reality.
It took me months to convince myself that it will be alright ; things will get better. But the truth, the things will not because it will keep coming and there won't be an end to this. This is reality.
Back then, it was all rainbows and candies and I did not mentally prepare of all of this. I thought I am strong enough , determine enough , realistic enough. The truth is, I am not. I was living in a bubble where my family put around me. They do let me go out there and try , but it was still within their reach to help me. Even now, they still help me and provide me for all I can.
But there are some things , they couldn't.
In the end, it is all up to me.
You see,
you can put in all your effort and do whatever you can , even if it takes to go against your own belief and put your dignity down to please somebody and they will still not look in your light. They will pick faults in your effort ; snapping your hopes away.
It is so difficult for me - it was not a smooth journey.
Sometimes, I ask myself - why do I deserve this.
but most of the time, I tell myself -
I need to show them that love is not unsustainable ; and a part of me refuse to give in to that kind of reality.