I really don't want to actually whine or complain about how bad my life is during CNY plus, today is just only the third day so it counted as the start. This year , I don't feel anything during CNY at all. The excitement and anxiousness doesn't go all over my body, down to my veins like how the past years do and instead of feeling that way, I feel rather sad and depressed.
I have not been living properly.
What I meant was , I didn't live the life I used to lived in. The sequence all went wrong, just wrong. I don't even understand myself either.
I used to talk every second , I can't stop talking at all. If you know me well, I can talk to anyone about anything without having any awkwardness and any pause. But now, I just want to shut up and stone. I just want to leave my head blank, always. I don't talk that much anymore. The smile on my face is slowly fading away. As it fades, the pain in the heart grows larger that it almost suffocate me.
I know that it's dramatic but yes, it is how it should be.
I want to talk about myself, my thoughts and my problem too but when it always comes out of my mouth, it's either stuck in my throat or somebody interrupts me.
I don't know how to exactly express how much suffering I am in right now. I can only describe it in a sentence which is,
I feel so sad.
I just need a listener , a shoulder for me to lean on and to help me get through everything that I am suffering right now.
I feel so fucking sad that I want to die. I can't even breathe properly and every beat of my heart is beating hurts me so bad that my bones is gonna break into pieces soon. I'm so sad that I can't even cry. I'm so sad that I can't even talk. I'm so afraid the next word I said , might bring me to tears again. I don't want to cry infront of my friends, I don't want to be dramatic. I just want attention for now, I want to be pat on my back when I cry again. I'm sick of smiling to my friends, telling them that I'm so fine. I am not, at all and infact, I could hear every pieces of my heart breaking.
I feel so vulnerable.
I don't want to pretend anymore.
I'm so sick of pretending.
It's up to you to care anot.. I hate waiting. I hate that I look like a stray dog begging for attention and comfort from you, people.
I'd rather be alone.
whatfuckingever.